Sean Agnew: A Look Back, pt 2.

There's something about early-90s Sean that reads "311 fan." Maybe I'm wrong; maybe Sean was totally punk rock. But if I was a gambling man, I'd wager that somewhere in Sean's closet was a ball-and-chain necklace and a Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket.

Also, how CUTE is Stacy George? Give that girl some granny glasses, write "bitch" on her stomach in red lipstick and she'd be my high school dreamgirl.

Sean Agnew: A Look Back

Let me take you back to simpler times. The alternative rock early nineties, when kids stayed up late to watch 120 minutes, when the questionable decisions of dying your hair burgundy and wearing ill-fitted flannels were celebrated, and when every mallrat with a Kinkos card had their own zine. Actually, do you know who else had their own zine?























That's right, Sean and Jenelle Vs. New York. Excerpts TK

Sean Needs a Roommate!
(and is reverting to veganism)

Posted on Board Crewcial by SA.
"So we now have a room open in our majestic abode at ***.3 bedroom house with large rooms, two kitchens, two bathrooms, a big backyard, full basement with laundry. Lot's of other stuff like lots of mail and close proximity to asian and mexican establishments. I will pay part of your rent if you cook me vegan meals. Rent is around the $500-ish range."

Now we know where Sean lives. It's almost as if he's BEGGING us to email him about interest in the room, go on a tour, take photos of the house, steal personal belongings and post our experience on the internet for all to see.

Sean-test Winner!

Congratulations to Andy Snyder, SS's first caption Sean-test winner! The judges were looking for creativity, humor, and not exactly veiled references to Sean's sexuality. There were many variations on the winning caption, but in the end simplicity triumphed. Andy will receive a shirt that Sean left at someone's house, and if he's lucky a DNA sample.

Shorn Agnew Revealed!

Finally, after weeks of obsessing about the elusive Shorn Agnew, a reader submitted this photo of him in R5 action. Please revel in the different shades of brown hair tasseled perfectly in front of his face. Dream about looking deep into his loving eyes and running your fingers through his unwashed hair. Just remember, time turns kittens into cats, and this haircut won’t last forever.

Caption Sean-test

A reader sent this picture to us, but we didn't know what to do with it. It's funny for sure, but what is going on? Why does she have a towel over her head? What exactly is Sean doing behind her? So following the lead of our sister publication, The New Yorker, we decided to have a caption contest of our own. Please send you best caption for the below photo to seanspotter@hotmail.com or post a comment. The winner will be announced on Monday and will receive a prize (seriously).

Great Moments in Agnew

Do you remember when we reported that Sean went to the Pitchfork festival in Chicago this summer, and in addition to playing basketball and eating three breakfasts during one meal, passed out at dinner? You probably thought we were lying, right? RIGHT?














And what, you ask, is Sean dreaming about? What else...the perfect abs!

An Open Letter to Agnew

Dearest Sean,

We’ve recently come across two disturbing posts on the Crewcial Board. The first involves you hating your sick cat, Miss Cat, and the second involves you hating your life after a crust punk confronted you about Pointless Fest.

The kitten-loving Sean Spotter staff was so horrified by your indifference towards Miss Cat’s illness that we couldn’t even joke that “Sean hates pussy.” As far as we’re concerned, cats are paw-some.

We also feel impelled to tell you that there is so much to live for beyond hardcore festivals. There’s a whole world of hair-care products, button-down shirts, and reality TV shows that can be explored. Have you ever had your colors read? Never underestimate the power of complimentary color combinations. Sometimes we see women who are clearly “autumns” in pastel purple ensembles (!) and think, "Honey, you're only making life harder with that outfit." A mentally sound autumn forgoing the soothing, skin enhancing coloring of brown and burnt sienna is at best falling short of her potential and at worst falling deeper into despair and misery. You’re a winter. Maybe you should closet the black and navy hoodies and experiment with contrasting colors. How about a bold, cherry red shirt with white details? We think you’d look good in red. Or maybe even kelly green.

We fear that this problem is too deep to be solved with a wardrobe make-over alone and may need constant attention. You should appreciate your life. You get to hang out with cool indie rockers, you have lovely bone-structure, and every girl under the age of 24 adores you. If anyone knows that it's us; we read your emails.

Will you promise us that you’ll set aside at least five minutes every day to promote the all-ages venue that is your heart? If you don’t like your life, than what hope is there for the rest of us? Maybe we'll buy you a "Hang in there!" poster.

Always with love,
Agnewbian

Whole Foods to Hire Sean

I’ve been worried about Sean. He, the king of Philadelphia all-ages-DIY-punk-rawk, was about to see his empire fall from the missteps of a bunch of unwelcome and unfashionable (yeah I know, same thing) crust punks. So I did the first thing any Agnewbian would do: I sent a suggestion to Whole Foods on South Street.

Normally Whole Foods is completely unresponsive to my advice...like the time I commented that “Gays, anorexics, and diabetics DEMAND Splenda.” Seriously, why must we go to a different store for our zero calorie, artificially sweetened bliss packets? Only an idiot actually believes that it's "made from sugar so it tastes like sugar," and there are studies, scientific studies that point to a genetic basis for all three of the above tendancies/dispositions/afflications. We need it! It's in our genes!

But anyway, I'm happy to see that Whole Foods finally listened.

Don't say I never did anything for Sean.

Sean Spotted!

(This Gaydiant Boy!)

You may have noticed that posting on Sean Spotter was conspicuously slow last week. As Philebrity noted (http://www.philebrity.com/?p=3497), Sean retreated into a self-imposed exile (or “much-needed vacation” depending on whom you ask) following the great Crustfest Riots ‘06. There have been some second-hand spottings (http://www.reddenspotter.blogspot.com/), but by and large Sean has been on the down-low. I mean, more than usual.

I’m happy to report that the boards at Sean Spotter HQ BLEW UP on Saturday with Sean spottings at This Radiant Boy's farewell show at the Khyber and a “random house party.” Some readers write:

“I was at the Khyber last night for the Like A Fox show, and I totally spotted Sean chatting up two surprisingly non-Asian lasses at the bar. The Ardmore hoodie (in up position) was in full effect, but he was rocking it with shorts. When I walked by him, he kinda looked at me like I was supposed to know who he was. I gave him the nod, and he promptly returned it with a look that screamed "I don't know if you know this, but I've hung out with Envy before."

“as a fan of the site, I thought I'd let you know Sean was seen at This Radiant Boy's Retirement Party at Khyber last night...Ardmore hoodie, shorts, and short hair. He had booked the band 5 times in the past.”

"Upstars at the Khyber the DJ's were playing Twee pop until Sean walked in with his Ardmore Hoody and they immediately started playing Oi punk. Curious, no?"

As always, photos tk.

More Pointless Fest Fun!

Today is a sad day. Apparently Sean was NOT wearing a bathrobe (or his hoody) during Pointless Fest. Also, doesn't this look like the beginning of an AMAZING bear-cop-orgy porn scene?

Just Like The Stonewall Riots

Thank you Maria Tessa for sending this picture.

News Vs. Ag-news

Many readers have asked why I haven’t posted about the recent events at Pointless Fest. As you know, Sean books a punk rock festival at the Church called Pointless Fest where a bunch of suburban trust-grungers listen to bad music and fuel their false sense of alienation for four days. This weekend there were neighborhood complaints and police altercations that forced Sean to cancel the end of the festival. Do you know what I say to that…Big whoop! The whole festival attracts my two least favorite groups of people: the poor and the people who look like they’re poor. Besides, I was just at a party this weekend where I learned that Sean got his haircut by the bartender at the Khyber, that he got his baby blue underwear from a friend at American Apparel, and that he’s a good roommate who lets you cry on his shoulder (swoon!).

Sean Spotted at Sabrina's!

This just in...Sean has been spotted at Sabrina's at 2:47 pm TODAY, talking with Andrew Martini about how he doesn't feel well. Poor Sean. Pop some Excedrin, drink some tea w/ honey and take a long, hot, steamy, naked bath.

Reader Mail!

this is probably the best thing i've seen in a while. i'm surprised that i never thought of it. i have a couple of questions for you: what is the meaning of the word "pants" all over the r5 fliers? i don't get it. is "pants" a term we are supposed to be using? does anyone besides agnew actually use it? what is its origin?

Dear Reader,

I too have noticed the use of "pants" on the R5 fliers and blog. Sample sentence: "Serena Maneesh [is] one of pitchfork's best of 2005. Fuzzed out crazy rock PANTS from Norway." While I'm not completely certain of its definition or etymology, I think it can only refer to what Sean likes to see men without. However, I am open to other suggestions. If anyone has any information on Sean's "pants," please send an email to seanspotter@hotmail.com.


Agnewbian

Great Moments in Agnew

I was at The Post recently, and a friendly patron told me about the first time he met Sean. “Sean was wearing nothing but a garbage bag and was dancing on the bar with a bunch of half-naked gay men.” Now, you can’t blame me for being doubtful. Since the inception of Sean Spotter I’ve heard every completely 100% untrue Agnew rumor (that he was a vegan straight edger, that he got a girl fired from her job after she sent him lewd photos of herself, that he doesn’t always pay his staff on time), but this one was unquestionably the most fanciful. “Sean wouldn’t do that,” I said. “Sean’s NOT gay!” Then I came across this picture.

Sean Spotted!

This just In...a reader spotted Sean at Staples on Friday @ 5:15.

R-Fug Productions

I love that even when Sean is wearing a bathrobe THE HOOD IS STILL UP. Also, did I miss something...have they always made bathrobes with hoods?

Sean is in Anthem Magazine!
(And He’s Wearing His Hoody!)

Sean is featured in the July/August issue of Anthem Magazine celebrating the 10-year anniversary of R5 Productions. We pulled out the highlights.

How Anthem Describes Sean: “Thin and unshaven, clad in a black hoody with the word “Ardmore” stitched across the front in pink [ed: our emphasis] block letters. Agnew is suddenly wearing the type of gracious smile reserved for those about to be honored.”

Spiro Agnew?: “Governor Ed Rendell’s office approached him with an offer to run his campaign if he would pursue an at-large City Council seat.”

More Details on Shorn Agnew (but still no picture): “Having had his hair cut backstage the previous night while Mates of State played the Starlight.” As we have learned from the posting last Thursday, he was wearing baby blue underwear at the Mates of State show.

No One’s Ever Accused Us of Gold Digging: “Agnew rarely makes substantial profits from these, or for that matter, most of his other shows. Agnew rents an apartment in South Philly, does not own a car or have health insurance. None of which, however, affect his sense of success.”

We Work in a Cubicle and Try Not to Think of Destiny, but Good for Sean!: “I don’t want to say it’s fate, but I’ve had the best luck,” admits Agnew. “I’m not saying I didn’t work hard, but everything has fallen into place.”

Sean Wears Baby Blue Underwear!

A reader-submitted photo from the March 24th Gossip/Mates of State show confirms what we've long believed to be true about the color of Sean's underwear. Also note the hoody with the hood down, the beltless pants, and the man-touching.

5 Things We Heard Sean did in Chicago

1. Ordered three and half breakfasts during one meal!
2. Played basketball at Pitchfork, "for like 10 hours!"
3. Passed out during dinner! (photo documentation tk)
4. Did not make out with men!
5. DID NOT WEAR HIS HOODY!

Agnew/Fagnew

Part two in our series of homo-erotic photos of Sean.

Plane-gate: The fall-out

According to Sean:

"I left the hotel at 4:21 - my flight was at 6:05. I figured that was plenty of time.I was checking in at 5:33 and the woman was like "SORRY ALL OF YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO REBOOK - WE ALREADY GAVE AWAY YOUR SEATS" And we yelled "we still have 27 minutes" and she replied "you should have been here an hour ago....BE ON TIME NEXT TIME" Meanwhile on the plane that I eventually got - they were holding it for people who checked in late (7 people boardd after final call) . "

We checked the US Air website on their check-in policy.

"US Airways closes flight and baggage check-in 30 minutes prior to departure for domestic travel and 60 minutes prior to departure for international travel. If you are not checked in and waiting in the boarding area at least 15 minutes before the scheduled departure time, your reservation may be canceled and you will not be eligible for denied boarding compensation."

It seems that our beloved Agnew was not checked in 30 minutes prior to departure BUT was in the boarding area. Also, it is not US Airways official policy to be present an hour before departure. It's just a recommendation. It's your call, but we think a certain someone might be eligible for a voucher if he complains enough.

SEAN MISSED HIS PLANE!!!
(Sleater-Kinney still breaking up)


This just in...Sean Agnew arrived at Chicago's O'Hare airport 35 minutes before departure time, only to find that US Air GAVE UP HIS SEAT! The next flight to Philly leaves at 9:00 PM, which raises doubt that he'll be able to attend Sleater-Kinney's farewell tour. A stunned city waits.

Sean Spotter Tee Shirts

Hoody Tee #1

Hoody Tee #2
























Order information to come.

5 Things That We Think Sean Should Do in Chicago This Weekend

1. Fulfill life’s destiny by reenacting Bender scenes from the Breakfast Club
2. Talk to Oprah about not being gay
3. Visit Playboy HQ and talk about college girls
4. Tell at least one person at the Pitchfork Festival that Os Mutantes without Rita Lee is like Labelle without Patti
5. Throw hotel party and allow friends to take pictures of you in compromising positions, which said friends will then make publicly available on Flickr
   

Sean Read Sean Spotter!!!
(And he posts on board.crewcial.org!)


Abridged excerpt from http://board.crewcial.org:

sara telephone: is it here? http://seanspotter.blogspot.com/

SeanAgnew: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT SHIT

heidesha: UH-OH the blog has been found.

sara telephone: it was all over the last drop this morning

SeanAgnew: I am so disapointed that it is not made by 19 year olds

BrothersAreForever : that blog is pretty funny. i can see the homosexual community being really into that.

SeanAgnew: ps. I am trying to get more popularity with the gays (and azns) so please continue


Well Sean, aren’t we all. But I’m ambivalent about Sean’s approval. On one hand you have Dessarae Bradford, Colin Farrell’s “Tonight Show Stalker.” She self published a book called Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy and plans to sue HIM for stalking HER. We could all learn a lot from Dessarae, but the impact and, well, poetry of her book would be lost if it were financed by Farrell’s production company instead of by her own Bank of Crazy.

On the other hand, I once saw this movie about a hiker who was lost in the woods. He approached this cabin that had two young amorous Latinos in the thralls of passion. Well, the hiker couldn’t stop watching the two lovers and started to get aroused himself. Suddenly, one of the Latinos caught the hiker from the corner of his eye. Instead of being angry or calling the police, he was MORE TURNED ON. Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that if Sean wants to be more popular with gays I know a few guys, a couple of places and about 10 beginner’s positions to make that a reality.

Also of interest on this message board thread was the following line.

SeanAgnew: no we like to have drunk cocaine swimming fun at 3am with shitty normal korean girls that we met at an old city after hours club!

Next time you call the Philly phone sex line, gentlemen, plagiarize from Harper's a bit.

"A tall, lean twenty-four-year-old with a stubbled undertaker's jaw and long, dark eyelashes, Agnew almost always wore a black mesh cap, with DORM SLUT scrawled on it graffiti-style in silver Sharpie, crammed over thick black hair. He was known locally, and in little music magazines around the country, as "DJR500." Agnew, a vegetarian who lives with a cat and thousands of obsessively organized records, is now the most authentic rock and roller in the city. When he walks down the street, people nod and smile and pat him on the back."

(Originally published in Harper's, Dec., 2003)

Agnew/Fagnew

Part one in our series of homo-erotic photos of Agnew.*




*Yes, we know Sean isn't gay...we're just making a sincere, unbiased, and slightly indulgant observation that he looks very comfortable in that pose.

Sean Agnew Paperdoll

More clothes to follow (Including the infamous giant hot dog costume).

SEAN IS LEAVING FOR CHICAGO ON FRIDAY!
(But what about Making Time?)

Sean-denfreud

OMG, bless the person who posted this photo on the internet.

Cool Even in Dreamland

A Sean Agnew dream from a fellow Agnewbian.

"Anyway the dream...I remembered it somewhat more vividly the next day but now it's kind of faded. I was at a family type party at some funhouse/hotel/waterpark with my parents and my grandma, but there were also like tons of other strangers. Anyway, Sean Agnew calls my cell phone, and I'm trying to get away from the crowds cause I'm trying to make party plans. Anyway I'm walking away, and my grandma is hunting me down. She catches up with me, and I'm all like, "grandma, I'm trying to talk to Sean Agnew. I'm making plans to go be a tastemaker, and I can't hear what he's saying so buzz off." Then I head out on to this balcony and Sean is down on the sidewalk with Jarboe and some other dudes (I can't remember who), and they're just like "Heidi are you ready to go," and I'm like "totally let's bounce" and then I woke up."

What does it all mean? Clearly, she is still reconciling the discord between her family life and the nightlife. The waterpark represents the womb, and Sean Agnew symbolizes mankind's historic longing for acceptance. Jarboe, according to my dream book, is subconscious shorthand for 1970's Italian disco.

Shorn Agnew

Still no photo documentation of Shorn Agnew. I can only imagine he looks like this.

Before


















After

SEAN GOT A HAIRCUT!